Caring Well Training Part 4: The goals and art of speaking the truth in love

When we say “truth speaking”, it may start to make us all a bit nervous when we think about times we have been confronted or rebuked by truth in ways that have been unhelpful or even damaging.

But telling the truth is not only loving but can be done in love and grace because we are told that Jesus, himself, was FULL of grace AND truth (John 1:14) 

Proverbs tells us that truth from a friend can wound us but also benefit us.

Think about the two types of wounds we experience in life physically…wounds that damage and wounds that heal.  For example, a wound from surgery is a healing wound…it still causes pain and has to heal but the result is that we are left better than the state we were in before the procedure. In contrast, wounds from an injury do damage. They don’t make us better but rather we are left with scars or a limp that hinder us in the future.

Let’s talk about some helpful guidelines to follow as we speak the truth to each other.

First, anything we are offering anyone is not our own truth but it’s the truth of God because all truth belongs to Him.  So we want to be sure we are using God’s work and scriptural truth when we are bringing a challenge to others.

Second, let’s make sure we are doing way more encouraging than challenging those around us. We all know that there are things that need to change in our lives. Let’s strive to be really good at celebrating where God is clearly at work in the lives of those around us.

Third, we cannot speak the truth in love unless we are well aware of how loved we ourselves are and how much grace we have received.  We have to be soaking in the gospel and our own personal neediness consistently.

Fourth, let’s be sure to not speak the truth in anger. If you are still angry you aren’t ready to be compassionate towards the struggle of someone else so take time to cool down and don’t speak the truth until you are actually doing it for the other person rather than to scratch an itch and quell our own feelings.

You might be thinking, that’s all well and good advice but you’re going to have to convince me that speaking the truth in love is actually required of me because I don’t want to do it! 

Ok, I will :). Confrontation is rooted in loving God above all and therefore loving our neighbor by speaking on his behalf toward them. And yes, it is a command!

It is also rooted in the second commandment to love our neighbor. When we aren't willing to confront, we love ourselves too much. We are choosing our own comfort over the benefit of another.

Now when I say confrontation, I actually don’t mean something very dramatic (at least most of the time).

We are not after radical moments of truth telling but rather mini moments of confrontation— more of a lifestyle of telling the truth to each other as the need arises, which will probably be pretty frequent when we are living honestly before one another.

I had a friend call me last night struggling with her small group dynamic and I mostly listened, validated, comforted and even cried with her. But I had one thought about something she could do differently so I shared that at the end because if I have an idea about something that might help her and the rest of her group too, how unloving not to share it! 

She was grateful and she had felt heard by me so she was not resistant at all to hearing a piece of advice, and instead left not only encouraged but empowered with a new idea of how to respond.

Paul David Tripp in Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands says: "Let’s call it hate when we leave someone to figure it out themselves or hold a grudge against them rather than telling them the truth.”

Are you convinced yet? :)

I'll close with a few final reminders that may help us as we consider the art of speaking the truth in love.

First, remember that we belong to God and so do they so they are not our job to fix. 

Second, humility and kindness are two of the main characteristics of grace that need to be coupled with truth.  This is what Scripture means by removing the log in your own eye first. Take time to allow the Spirit to move your posture to one of coming alongside (rather than speaking down to) and gracious speech (rather than harsh anger) before you bring any truth. 

Third, when we speak truth, we aren’t asking the other person to even respond to us necessarily.  We are placing them before the Lord for them to do work with Him.  We are pointing each other to Christ. This simplifies our role! 

Next month we will  be exploring how to use question- asking as the least confrontative way to confront.

May we be characterized by grace and truth just like Jesus.