Caring Well Training Part 3: Knowing People Deeply Through Listening Well

How do we get to know people deeply and understand their needs more fully?

One thing we have probably all experienced is casual relationships. And of course there will be many relationships in our lives that stay at surface level. But chances are, there are many woman who we have the opportunity to minister more deeply to and we want to create an environment that allows women to share more deeply about themselves and their lives.

We all avoid going deeper at different times for a variety of reasons: busyness, shame, and feeling like we are the only ones who are struggling with whatever we are facing. And sometimes we don’t share because we are not asked.

Let’s look again at what Christ modeled to us about how to combat surface-level relationships.  We know that our Wonderful Counselor sought out to know what was really going on with people because he was sympathetic to them and had great compassion towards them.  Even this all-knowing God asked questions to gain knowledge about the people he encountered while on earth.

Asking questions is the opposite of making assumptions. We need to be careful not to assume things based on our theology or our own personal experiences.  While what we believe and what we have experienced help inform us as we relate and connect with people, they aren’t helpful ways to draw conclusions about someone. Instead we need to humbly ask and learn about the people we encounter.

Good question-asking will help us not rush to conclusions about a person’s sin or suffering.

But what are good questions to ask?

Here are a few guidelines that I love from “Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands” by Paul David Tripp.

1. Ask open-ended questions that cannot be answered with a “yes” or “no” response— these types of questions require that a person self-discloses on some level. It takes practice but it will lead to much more revealing and connecting conversation.

2. Ask both survey questions and focused questions. — A survey question is scanning the person’s life as a whole to understand themes or patterns to the person’s life, while a more focused question looks into one area of a person’s life.

3. Consider the basic categories of questions: what, how, why, how often/where, and when as you seek to understand what a person is sharing with you.

4. Ask a progressive line of questions, using the information that you received in the question prior.  This helps us listen intentionally and helps make the other person feel seen and heard.

As we gather this “data” about the people that we minister to, we need to know what to do with it.  But before even responding, here is a summary of what we are wanting to gather an understanding of as we ask questions.

1. Their situation or what is going on or happening in their life

2. How they are responding to that situation (in action or emotions)

3. Their thoughts about their situation

4. Their motive and desire in the situation moving forward

What a beautiful time of year to remember that Christ came to be Emmanuel - God with us…may that lead us to be present to other people in whatever situations they are navigating. They may need truth or confrontation or accountability but before any of those they need to be seen and to know that they are not alone.

Practice good question-asking with your loved ones over this holiday season and we will dive into the goals and art of speaking the truth in love in the new year.