Office Hours #3: How to not be constantly triggered in a world full of triggers

You've probably heard the word "trigger", likely in verb form in relation to something that "triggered" someone to have an undesirable reaction. "That triggered me." "I was triggered."

A trigger, also sometimes referred to as a stressor, is an action or situation that can lead to an adverse emotional reaction.

In reading that definition, my first thought is: "that sounds like a lot of life in general"!

Daily, we are faced with circumstances or actions against us or situations around us that promote an emotional reaction and often one that is unhelpful or different than who we would hope to be.

These reactions are a result of how we feel about the events around us and while our feelings are very real and often valid, we don't have to be constantly dictated by our feelings.

I will add a familiar disclaimer that you will find in most of these office hour posts-- I do not want to discount trauma or real diagnoses such as PTSD that include very real, triggering patterns. I am, instead, wanting to address the overuse and unhelpful use of terms that I have observed.

I want to suggest that identifying triggers can absolutely be valuable but not with only the goal of avoiding future triggers because that may not be possible. Instead with the goal of responding to a trigger rather than just reacting with our first, natural reaction.

We can't live in this world and avoid all triggers. And if triggers are stressors, you may be encouraged to know that some stress is actually good for us!

A trigger can even be the cause of growth just as weight-lifting in its tearing down of muscles actually makes us stronger as they re-heal and become able to handle more.

Addressing triggers effectively

So, what do we do with triggers?

One of the beautiful gifts of good counseling and spiritual direction is that these tools can help us practically make new patterns of behavior but also, even more importantly, do the behind the scenes work that addresses our core heart issues that need tending.

"We do who we are"-- so we have to do the work to to see what is shaping us.

If we wait to respond and address a "trigger" until we see the reaction happening, often the damage is already done. We have sinned against another person by taking our our anxiety, anger, etc. out on them. So let's explore how to do some work proactively.

1) Identify a trigger through patterns of poor response that you see in your life.

Look at a behavior pattern in your life and think about what precedes the action?

When do you reach for a third glass of wine?

What happens before you lash out verbally at your roommate or spouse or child?

What occurs in a day when you choose to deprive yourself of food?

What does someone say to you or do you say to yourself that causes you to over-exercise?

Are there certain seasons where you tend to binge watch shows?

What precedes a shopping spree that you can't afford or simply don't need?

Of course it may be a combination of things (it usually is) but there is often a root theme.

Let's use an example to help clarify.

If I deeply value the approval of other people ( I want people to think I am good or exceptional or ________ (fill in the blank), I may start to notice that when I feel or experience disapproval, I start resorting to harmful behavior -- towards myself and others.

My co-worker made a critical comment about my work and I don't want to think about it so I drink.

I'm mad that my spouse doesn't express more appreciation so I am short with them or passive aggressive in my responses to them.

I feel critical rather than approving of my body so I deprive it or abuse it.

I know I'll never meet my own standards so I give up and get lost in the fantasy of a tv story.

Do you see the root problem here?

My spouse's lack of approval isn't really the trigger although it feels like it is.

The magazine with the perfect body on the front isn't the trigger although it feels like it is.

Even my co-worker critiquing me isn't the real trigger even though in that moment it felt triggering!

These stressors are just EXPOSING my own heart.

My love of approval is the trigger.

My heart has made approval an idol-- a good thing that I have made too important-- and looked for or rather demanded in the wrong places.

It's as if my heart believes I need this thing (approval or fill in your own... safety, recognition, control, etc.) and if anyone or anything gets in the way, I feel as if my oxygenated blood supply is being cut off and I become desperate and this results in a desperate response.

You can see how this is tricky and slippery. Wanting to be approved of is not a bad thing! We should want to be known as a faithful employee, a present spouse, and a healthy person but the world will constantly trigger us if perfection and self-reliance and hearing this approval from others is our way to access our ultimate approval.

The gospel (the GOOD NEWS) that God made you and loves you and approves of you because He even paid the price of everything you have done wrong (and ever will do) through Jesus is the antidote to this trigger.

If I don't find approval there. I will keep "punishing" my triggers that can never hold the weight of what I am asking them to carry.

Let's look at another example.

I am working on this with my kids in smaller ways.

The main time they currently fight is when someone wants to win and is "triggered" by not winning which results in quitting, crying or accusing another player.

It's not bad that they want to win. But they absolutely want it too much when it takes away the fun of the game or their affection for one of their best friends, their sibling.

In other words, being a good sport is being someone who is not triggered by losing.

I'm attempting to train them to check in with that triggered response, identify that thing they want but that they don't actually need and I ask them to regulate their emotional response (in less big words) by taking a moment alone, apologizing for their behavior and re-engaging with the game.

As they get older, we will explore more of their heart desires and what is driving them. But for now, I want to train them to not be "triggered" in their behavior. Because a life of undisciplined response to hardship is no life at all.

2) Before a trigger becomes a trigger: a note about background noise

As I age, noise is getting louder. Do you know what I mean?? I find myself irritable and all of a sudden realize that it is because the music playing, the toddler is making Buzz Lightyear noises, the pencil sharpener is grinding away and my husband is blowing leaves outside --it's all JUST SO LOUD and overwhelming.

It is hard to respond well to life when we are at an overwhelm point. It may not be noise, it may be that we are exhausted or hungry or not caring for ourselves or maybe carrying something emotionally that feels heavy.

An important part of not living as a constantly triggered person is to take some self-evaluation moments on a regular basis to check in on if we are living beyond our means and capability.

Yes, God will strengthen us to do what He has called us to do each moment but He doesn't promise to make us unlimited or to bless when we have overextended ourselves out of pride.

Practical ways to check in

I would suggest establishing some habitual and consistent ways to check in on your "status" so that you don't get to a point of being dictated by your triggers.

Ask yourself: Where do I see myself "reacting" rather than "responding" to the stressors of life?

Look at your calendar.

Is there margin? Are you prioritizing the things you know are most important?

Think about your relationships.

Are you giving your best to your most valued relationships or are they getting your leftovers?

What are you loving more than people? Remember, relationships are the only thing that last forever. Our relationships with God and people.

How is your physical care of yourself going these days?

Are you eating well? Sleeping well? Resting regularly? Exercising and moving your body? Are you using any substance (caffeine, alcohol, etc.) to manage your emotions or your productivity?

There is much more that could be said about this but I hope this helps encourage you that you can life less triggered in a very triggering world.

In this with you,

Lauren