Office Hours #4: You are who you hang with: how your community shapes you

Just celebrated my 39th birthday AND my one year anniversary of this website/blog.

Wow, where does time go? It's a thief and it's a gift and my continued prayer is that I would NUMBER my days that I would gain a heart of wisdom (Psalm 90:12).

Thanks for being here the past year...excited about some NEW things coming this year if all goes as planned. And, in my experience (especially the last 3 years), very little in life goes as planned so I'm working on holding things loosely even as I pursue goals.

It's great timing to talk about how relationships shape us, because each year as I age, I am increasingly grateful for the people who have shaped me in the past and who are shaping me in the present. We do not grow in isolation. We were made to grow in community.

In the words of motivational speaker Jim Rohn: “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” The people you spend the most time with shape who you are. They determine what conversations dominate your attention.

So, let's do an exercise! Take a moment and write down the 5 people you spend the most time with.

Got it?

If (as I in my case) your immediate family takes up all 5 slots, I give you permission to think about the 5 people outside of that circle :).

Now write down how those 5 people IMPACT you?

Here are some specific questions to consider:

Do they fully know you?

Do they challenge you?

Do they ask you good questions?

Do they listen well?

Do they have similar life goals?

What have you ABSORBED from them?

What do they LEAD you towards?

What do they value most?

When you leave time with them, how do you feel? What do you do?

I have 5 people who immediately come to mind--these are people I communicate with almost daily, at least weekly.

I am able to answer YES to those 5 initial questions. These people KNOW me deeply, they WANT more for me, they really LISTEN and they ASK hard questions and possibly most importantly, they are living for what I am living for: to KNOW Christ and to make Him known. They all love GOD and PEOPLE.

When it comes to what I'm absorbing from them and how they impact my subsequent thoughts, actions, etc., I discovered something recently...I answer those questions very differently depending on the person--they all play a different role.

They are very different from each other and they teach, lead, influence and impact me in different ways.

Some have taught me to be more disciplined and some have taught me to rest well.

Some have helped me laugh more and some have pushed me to cry when necessary.

Some have pushed me to dream bigger and some have pushed me to be more content.

Some have needed more from me and some have given me more than I could ever repay.

They all have strengths I don't have which creates the biblical dynamic of "iron sharpening iron" (Proverbs 27)-- we strengthen and sharpen each other through our own strengths.

Now consider what you are bringing to those people who would put you on their top 5 list?

Hint: it could be a good time to consider if too many people expect you to be one of their core relationships.

How do you show up for them?

Do you ask them heart-revealing questions?

Do you listen well?

How are you sacrificing for them?

It is good to pause and remember that life is very seasonal. There have been many seasons the past 13 years as I have been raising kids that I can't show up for my friendships in the way I would wish that I could. But I can always be praying for those core people in my life. And I can find ways to prioritize checking in with them and being available in some way for them even if it is more limited than I would prefer.

Perhaps you are reading this blog and struggling to even list 5 people and that feels very discouraging. Take heart. There have been many things the past few years that have made relationships challenging but no good thing comes without effort.

Maybe write down some small steps you could take this week to surround yourself with uplifting community. It takes time to build intimate friendship but we can always do the next right thing that moves us in the direction we want to go.

In this with you,

Lauren