Office Hours #6: How to have hard conversations (Part 2)

Let's go back to some communication basics to help us navigate these hard convos that we now know we need to have.

Communication has three parts: speaking, listening and the environment/contributing factors or what I like to call the “background noise” to the situation.

These are neutral categories that are a part of all communication but it is important to have awareness of your tendencies in these categories.

Speaking

Most of us have a tendency in our speaking: we can tend to be too gentle and self-preserving and lack truth in what we say. In the words of Brene Brown: clear is kind. We can be gracious while also being truthful.

Or maybe we are the opposite: some of us are too harsh-- we lack grace in the way that we speak.

Sometimes this is simply from a lack of awareness of how we are experienced when we communicate.

Listening

Listening can also be a struggle or weakness.

Some of us listen but we don't really seek to hear what the other person is saying.

Many of us struggle to be able to back away from own perspective long enough to understand the way the other person is viewing the situation.

It takes work to empathize with another person and it takes humility to want to pursue this.

Background noise

Finally, there is always background noise of the situation to consider.

How are you coming into this conversation?

Maybe you are bitter. Maybe you are weary. Maybe you are hopeless that reconciliation is possible.

The cost or complexity or simply the overwhelm of the situation may be at play.

We can't necessarily change the background noise of the situation but awareness of how we are coming into a conversation may help us be more cautious and intentional.

So, in light of these factors, how do we prepare well for a hard conversation?

First, there is the preparation of your heart. Let's get really practical. And keep in mind that this next section is written very specifically for a Christian who is inviting God into this process.

1. Quiet your heart before the Lord and ask Him to reveal any sin (Psalm 139: 23-24) This might include: pride, bitterness, unforgiveness, anger, envy or judgment.

2. Take time to own your sin first so that you can enter the conversation with humility. (Matthew 7:5; Psalm 51)

3. Ask for wisdom from God who promises to give wisdom generously (James 1) and wise counsel from others, preferably those who don't have an issue with the same person and who will not simply side with you but will caution you or call you out if necessary.

4. Remind yourself of the goal of the conversation. I love the phrase "obedience over outcome". We can't control the growth of another person but we can be obedient and brave enough to enter into the fray. Remember what is your role and what is not, including the fact that it is not our job to change anyone (Philippians 1:6).

Second, there is actual preparation of the words you will say.

1. Communicate Care

   1. Tell them you love them and that you desire good for them.

      1. People don’t always remember what you say but they remember how you made them feel –make them feel that you are for them.

   2. Emphasize that you are not better than them. You are a co-sinner and sufferer so you are not coming from a place of pride.

1. Communicate Clearly

   1. Know what you are going to say

      1. Write it out—get clear on your main point and give a few examples of patterns you have seen.

      2. Don’t beat around the bush—lead with what you want to talk about. Get to the point!

      3. Make sure your goal of communication is to speak in a way that helps the other person understand vs thinking first of how you can be understood.

      4. Keep in mind that the goal of communication is relationship.

      5. Consider the speaker/listener method. When you go to a drive-thru, they repeat back to you what you ordered to make sure that they heard you correctly. This is a great tool in a hard conversation so that both of you leave on the same page.

1. Communicate Conversationally

   1. Don’t give a long list in a hard conversation. Be sure to pick main point/themes and give specific examples if you have them.

   2. Don’t monologue. Be sure to ask questions and be open to feedback.

   3. At the conclusion of the conversation, be sure to communicate commitment and hope in the relationship.

Ephesians 2:10 says “We are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

I think this includes the opportunities to engage in hard conversations. Through these moments God keeps us humble and dependent on Him. We live as the family that we are meant to be to each other and this is a witness to the world around us. We are modeling, in an imperfect way, the grace and forgiveness and relationship restoration that God constantly offers us.

So go have that hard conversation. Risk it. That relationship is worth it.