Office Hours #2 : What's "family of origin" got to do with it?

Taylor Swift has a new album. Did I attempt to stay up until midnight to hear it when it released in October? Yes, yes I did. Did I fall asleep and miss the launch? Yes, that too. And if you think my husband wasn't AS excited (if not more) for its release, you would be wrong.

Track 3 is called Anti-Hero. Swift shared publicly that it is perhaps her most vulnerable song to date and I agree. It is being used for thousands of personal reels, specifically the repetitive line:

"It's me, hi. I'm the problem, it's me."

The line comes after she explains what her nightmares are made of-- mostly having to do with the rejection of people and mostly fabricated in her own mind. It's particularly intriguing to me because she confesses that her fears are rather narcissistic although often disguised as altruism.

Her conclusion is that she is her biggest problem. Not other people.

I am theorizing but I think one reason people are resonating with this song is that, while we resist owning our sin, we all know that blame-shifting and excuse-making is more often than not a cover for looking at what we need to own as our issue. We're the problem. It's us.

One of the counseling office jokes I hear often is that you can go to counseling to learn how to blame your parents for any of your issues.

Sadly, I think that can be true. And of course, in some cases, the trauma experienced in our early years, sometimes at the hands of family members, is extremely significant and damaging so I want to be extremely careful to not make light of that, ever.

However, more typically, looking at our family of origin, the things modeled to us from an early age (without other context) and finding the core beliefs we hold (in order to discern if they are true or not) can be a very significant part of hours spent with a counselor and this is definitely something I explore with most clients at some point. We are all shaped by where we came from.

When I met with a spiritual director when I was newly married, this was particularly helpful in thinking through forming a new family culture with my new husband. In the long run this actually helped me appreciate and value more deeply what I had gained from my parents even as there were things I had come to believe that were untrue and needed to be uprooted.

So let's dive in to some significant questions (that I often use in office) to consider about what/who formed you:

*What did my parent(s) model to me about the meaning of life? Whether my life was my own or the result of a creator?

*What beliefs do I hold because of my family of origin? Do I still believe these things? Why or why not?

*What did my first authority model to me about the character of God? How has this impacted me positively or negatively?

*What was my role in my family of origin? (Consider birth order, expectations and the role played in the family). How was this healthy or unhealthy?

I'm going to pause there because those 4 questions in and of themselves might hold a lot of weight for you and might be a lot to consider. I would suggest that processing them with another person whether that is a mentor, close friend or counselor is worth considering.

Let's be sure to remember a few truths (rooted in the WORD of God) as we look at how we were shaped by our starting point.

1) God appointed the exact time and place you would be born into. (Acts 17)

2) Your family might have changed and they still might change in the future and they may stay the same even as you grow and change. It isn't your job to change them. It is your job to journey with God and be changed. (1 Corinthians 13)

3) Forgiveness will most likely be necessary no matter what kind of family you came from. Even if it was great family, you were raised by sinners. Forgiveness is absorbing the effects of another person's sin. We can do this only when we have allowed Christ to absorb our sin. We have to remember that we are in need of grace as much as our family members are in need. (Colossians 3:1-17)

4) There will be much more to address in yourself than what you can tangibly trace to another person. This is good news because you aren't a victim of your origin or you circumstances. You have the ability to go a new way, chart a new path, leave new legacy.`(Romans 8)

So, let's be wise enough to LOOK at the ways we were shaped by where we came from.

Let's be hopeful enough to know we can choose to go another direction.

And let's be humble enough to say: no matter what was done to me, I have the choice to respond in a way that leads to FLOURISHING.

Our origins shaped us. But we are still our biggest problem.

More on that next month. Stay tuned...

In this with you,

Lauren