What does kill you makes you stronger: when the mistakes of others bring destruction to us

It feels odd to be using personal examples on the blog this summer since that is something I do sparingly as a counselor but I'm also finding, with aging, that I am more appreciative of the chapters of my story and how they have shaped what I want to communicate to others.

In my last post, I was looking at a threat that came near from the outside, the natural world. Today I want to talk about the way that we look at the the ways we are harmed by others. And next month we will talk about when our own weaknesses threaten to undo us.

As always, a disclaimer. What I am going to share is not a story about purposeful harm done by another person to me, but instead the fact that a person's actions led to consequences that fell on me. I am not addressing certain topics in this series, such as actual abuse, that I feel should be best discussed in more therapeutic settings. So when I reference the fact that we as humans hurt one another (sometimes intentionally, but often not) and I discuss how to respond to that, please know I am not talking about an intentionally abusive situation that you need to remove yourself from immediately.

Here is my story.

When I was 11 years old I was told I had too many teeth for my mouth size. And that I had a routine issue with my canine tooth needing to be guided in to the correct place while corresponding with the typical 2 years of braces in order to get the smile I dreamed of.

I still remember that first procedure...awake with the aid of laughing gas (um, kids are really resilent) and hearing my oral surgeon argue with his assistant while he extracted my teeth and put in a cap of sorts that would stay put to guide my canine tooth into place. This was the beginning of me knowing I need more drugs than the average person to be sedated. I'm still that way to this day!

Fast foward a couple of weeks after the healing process and it's the day to get my braces put on, which at age 12 is very exciting and has a certain status to it. The assistant accidentally suctioned out the cap that had been placed in my gums (this was not painful) and quickly called the orthodontist over to evaluate.

After looking, he decided that the cap was unnecessary and that the tooth would come down on its own. 6 years later, that very tooth would be removed (being ankylosed to bone in my jaw--look it up for more details) after doing irreparable damages to other teeth (I lost another permanent tooth) and the roots of all of my teeth.

How did this oversight happen? Every month I would go in for my orthodontic adjustments. He would evaluate. I did end up even having another procedure to put the cap back in at one point and then another oral surgery to try a chain method instaed. Sounds more violent than it is.

But as he tried to get that tooth to come down (that never would) many of my other teeth were damaged in the process. My smile looked deformed as my other teeth were shifting upward. I was filled with anxiety before every appointment. And as the years went on, I absolutely hated having braces for so long and felt hopeless that my smile would ever be fixed.

Another factor in all of this is that my dad was a doctor in the same building as this orthodontist and he had offered to do mine and my sister's braces for free. Her smile had turned out perfectly so we had no reason to think that this doctor might not be cut out for the task.

Finally, my senior year of high school, they gave up on the tooth coming down, re-straightened my teeth the best they could and removed my braces and referred me to a specialist at UCLA ( I was heading to CA for college) for bone grafting and dental implants for repair. My dental journey was just beginning.

It was soon revealed to us that there was a forming lawsuit against my orthodontist for his abuse of prescription drugs. This eventually explained the way he lost track of details on my case and even timeframes which caused so many delays in correct treatment. I was called to speak before a board who was evaluating his case and he soon chose to retire rather than face the legal backlash. I don't know of another patient who had the level of damage done to them that I did but I certainly hope there were not others.

The next 5 years were full of ups and downs. I was very thankful to be in the skilled hands of a world-famous oral surgeon who had invented using bone from one's own jaw to be grafted into another part of the mouth. Permanent teeth are designed to "eat" through bone as they come in so as my canine sat in my jaw for too long it ate away bone. And you can't put new teeth in your mouth unless there is bone.

They filmed my surgeries to train dental students at UCLA. My first surgery was unsuccessful. The graft got infected and I remember hot tears of disappointment as I realized I would have to go through the 6 week recovery AGAIN-- tons of swelling, pain, difficulty eating and of course I knew the expense on my parents was astronomical.

The second surgery was successful but then there is a long waiting period for the bone to set so that implants can be placed so I had to live without teeth (I did have a temporary flipper :) for another 18 months or so.

I also needed braces again. 6 months of very careful, gentle movement of my fragile teeth to try to line everything up more correctly. And I needed an expert in dental implants to design the pefect teeth to fill my smile. And a dentist to add bonding to other teeth to help my mouth look complete.

It's always ironic to me each time my hygenists today tell me what a great job was done with my reconstruction when all of that work should have never been needed in the first place.

Having a physical deformity over a several years changed me as a person. I couldn't rely on my looks to win anyone over or to give me confidence during years that looking attractive felt really important. I was introduced to anxiety through this whole journey and experienced so many disappointments and a lot of physical suffering that simply had to be persevered through. I developed compassion for people after having a very idyllic childhood in so many ways. I learned that life is hard and that suffering is part of the shaping process. I learned that hard doesn't always mean bad. I learned about forgiveness. Forgiveness is "absorbing the effects of another person's sin." This doctor's choices hurt me profoundly but I do forgive him for his negligence because I know that I've been forgiven by Christ for all of the ways that I, too, hurt others through my choices.

And I experienced so much provision from God in the midst of the heartache of these years. I was connected to some of the best doctors in the US to repair the damage that had been done. The orthodontist who treated me in Santa Monica was so compassionate. He had done Bethany Hamilton's braces for her (flying her in from Hawaii) because he deeply cared about people who had suffered. I'm forever grateful for the ways his kindness healed my heart. My periodontist who created my implants worked tirelessly to make them as perfect as he could. I experienced the most excellent care through him and his team. And my dear dentist thought of a way to make my teeth look even more level (they still have a slight cant) through a new method of using bonding.

One of the most pivotal moments for me in this story was right after I got in the car with my mom after finding out that the first bone grafting surgery had failed. She was quiet and I heard myself say out loud, "Mom, it isn't my mouth. It is God's mouth. He made it. Every part of me is for Him so He is going to use this in my life. And even if this seems like a waste of time and money and pain, I trust Him to use it for good."

I was 19 at the time and I wish I could say that I kept that attitude at every moment of the journey. I did not. But I did ultimately know that this was true. And I would never change this part of my story.

My dreams of a perfect smile or a really popular high school experience or teeth that didn't need a lot of expensive maintenance the rest of my life were "killed" by this doctor's mistake.

But I walked out of this loss and disappointment with more empathy, character and quite frankly, probably a better sense of humor and personality because of what was taken away. And I'm sure I don't even know all of the treasure I have from those 10 years of suffering.

Where have the shortcomings of others cost you something?

My counselees often come into my office with the burderns of what has happened to them through no choices or fault of their own.

And we take time to process that and grieve it. The Bible calls it "lamenting". Facing what is broken in this world and is not as it should be.

Followers of Christ should be the most rooted in reality people that exist because we know that the world is not as it was meant to be. But we could also be the most hopeful because we know that pain is not wasted and that God works ALL things for the good of those who love Him.

So we grieve with hope. We live in the reality of what has happened but we look for the redemption in the brokenness.

And we tell our stories to encourage one another.

In this with you,

Lauren