Self-help comes up short

I want to let you in on a little backstory. The original idea for this website began out of a response to what I would call the trending “self-help movement.” I don’t think this is a new concept overall— Oprah’s guests often offered self-improvement advice for decades, Tony Robbins has been promoting the power of positive thinking since I was a kid, and Rachel Hollis’(author of Girl, Wash Your Face) blog started over 10 years ago. Change has been popular for a long time. This is probably because we all have some sense that we need change in ourselves or in a specific area of our life.

I am passionate about helping others (and pursuing for myself) change that is truly possible in Christ. I've been referring to this process as transformational change. I believe that this begins with believing in and submitting your life to Jesus. This gives us the ability to even be able take an accurate self-appraisal through the power of the Holy Spirit that then leads us to pursue the means of healing that result in real change!

I have become equally passionate about deconstructing the paths to change that come up short. I think the self-help movement is one of them.

Over the past decade, in the counseling office, I have found myself spending much of the time “undoing” with my clients what I have found to be unhelpful at best and harmful at worst in different veins of this type of thinking and ideology.

Again and again I have seen these "prescriptions" to love, care for or change oneself lead to more pride, conflict or discouragement than actual growth.

At the risk of being over simplistic, I’d describe this still-trending movement in 3 summary sentences:

You need to love yourself.

You need to take care of yourself.

You need to change yourself.

There are half-truths in these statements but they are also contrary to the life that Jesus came to offer us. A half-truth is still a lie.

Let’s address these statements one by one, replacing them with what we are offered in Christ.

You need to love yourself.

I'd suggest that you already do love yourself. This innate self-preservation is God-given to an extent. It’s why you eat, sleep and seek to meet your needs. You don't have to teach a newborn to scream for what he wants. We are born advocating for ourselves. We are naturally bent on seeing the world through a self-focused lens. A lack of self love is not our issue.

Even if you are critical of yourself or struggle with self-loathing or even self harm, at the core of this struggle is a frustration for something you desire but lack. You have tragically turned that anger and frustration inward.

You also might be punishing yourself because of the human condition of shame. You know you are not “ok” at your core. If you never have any relief from shame, it will pervade your life and your relationships in many harmful ways.

This is different than guilt. Guilt is the conviction of something you’ve done wrong (it’s actually a gift) while shame says “you are wrong” which is the reality of our standing before a holy God without the payment for our sin that we receive through Christ. The solution to this shame is faith that we no longer have to live under shame or condemnation because of our new identity in Christ, paid for fully by His death and resurrection.

It is very important to note here that the horrific and violating things that one human can do to another human is a huge contributor of the shame that many people carry and this shame can cause such deep pain and begin self-harm and self-loathing patterns, along with a variety of other struggles. This is tragic and needs gentle, healing care. This often includes facing and grieving what has been done to you and an in-depth and often long process of forgiveness.

You will always disappoint you. What we are ultimately longing for is not a wavering self love but a PERFECT, steadfast love. Love not based on our merit or performance. Love that transcends knowing the deepest evil and brokenness in us and chooses us anyways. Love that is permanent and unchanging. This is available to us through God’s love alone. He is the only one able to love without any self interest because He has no needs. He is complete in Himself. He defines love because HE IS LOVE. We know what love is through the sacrificial gift of God’s only son for our sin. And this was done for us because of God’s delight in us. We are created, fully known and fully loved because He set his love on us.

You need to be soaked in the love of God.

You need to take care of yourself.

Stewardship of your body and your resources, including your time is important. We are limited beings which make boundaries necessary for all of us. It's incredibly valuable to take care of your physical needs by eating, sleeping, exercising, etc. In fact, there is ever-increasing research and evidence that healthy habits in these areas greatly impact mental and emotional health as well. We are holistic creatures that need care-taking on many levels.

This can also go wrong in many ways. We can become overly concerned, even anxious about taking care of ourselves. We might spend an exorbitant amount of time and money doing things that make us feel cared for. We may say "no" to things that cost us something while trying to preserve our peace through avoidance of hard things. We might even miss out on being stretched or grown by playing it safe in the name of self-care or boundaries. It is hard to live a life of love towards others when we are overly concerned about caring for ourselves.

When we believe caring for ourselves is completely on us we also become self-sufficient rather than dependent. We neglect to ever ask God for what we want or need because we are striving to provide it for ourselves. We begin to lose our life when we desperately try to be our own preservation.

Jesus said, "If you try to save your life, you will lose it." I have experienced this personally again and again when I am striving to care for myself without entrusting myself to God's care. I forfeit peace and the exact things I am striving for as I rely on self effort rather than God's provision.

We are promised in Scripture that God will supply our every need (Philippians 4:19). He gives good gifts as a good father (James 1:17) and that we can rest in His care for us (Luke 12:32).

We do need to commit to good habits and to even seek out accountability to live with wisdom. But we also need the fatherly, care-taking love of someone with strength beyond our weakness, an ever-present help in trouble. We need to run to Him and bring every burden to Him. We were made to depend on Him.

"Cast all your cares up on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

You need to be cared for by God.

You need to change yourself.

Yes, you have a role to play in your growth because you are not a robot or set on auto pilot. You have autonomy and free will.

But your effort is meant to flow out of a response to the love of God towards you.

Scripture tells us that "Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again." 2 Corinthians 5:14-15

Change starts through the renewing of your mind (Romans 12:2). Right thinking informs right emotion which informs right behavior. In other words, as counterintuitive as it may sound, your main role in your transformation is to keep returning your heart and mind to REST in the truth that you are FREE to no longer live for yourself or provide for yourself or change yourself but instead to REMEMBER your true identity as a loved child of God. This begins the work of aligning what is TRUE for all of eternity with the REALITY of your everyday life.

So, yes, taking an accurate self-appraisal and pursuing means of healing are great resources for change and you get to be an active participant in your growth process. But the pressure is not all on you!

The love of God, made known to us through the Spirit of God and the Word of God, provides the power for change, while the gifts of God (from His church to experts and therapies and other resources He provides this side of heaven) are the means He often uses.

You need to be transformed by the love of God.

In the coming weeks I can’t wait to get practical with you as we look at how to assess, heal and change in the realities of our everyday life experiences. I hope this post sounds the alarm about some of the overarching, pervasive ideas that we are going to have to work against if we want real change.

In this with you,

Lauren